I was watching a video audition of Jillian Jensen for The X Factor USA on youtube just now that I decided to write about bullying because I was just so moved and I was crying when I remembered how I was bullied when I was in high school (here in the philippines before I went to the states). And realizing that up until now that I’m in college that I am being bullied. I was first in denial because these bullies are my friends.
Yes, my friends sometimes bully me, I know they joke a lot and pick on me but sometimes it ain’t funny anymore and they don’t know that I am truly hurting. I cried one time when they hid my phone during class, and when I asked them they would even bitch out on me saying “Why will we take your phone, we have our own!” and they would just laugh, but i know to myself that they took it, because i know that only them would do such a thing. At the end of class, they took it back, and from there that I just cried. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t help my tears falling. What I hate the most is being fooled like that. There were a lot of times they fooled me, and not even once did they stop even though they know I hate such a thing. Sometimes I don’t know if they ever thought that what they’re going to do to me would hurt me or that’s it’s just wrong.
Each day it’s hard to pretend that nothing’s wrong. It’s hard to just laugh it all out. It’s hard to just ignore it. Sometimes when they joke about something or talk about someone with other friends of ours, I get worried that it’s me that they’re talking about. I am that frantic! I just don’t want to experience what I have experienced in high school, that I never really glow because I have all these insecurities and pain kept inside.
The only thing that is keeping my glow up and out is my achievements (that they don’t have)! I know saying that was wrong, but it’s not like I am bullying them which is much worst. My achievements such as being an officer in my org in school, I’m going to be one of the models in my sister’s grad show in UP, and other activities wherein I can be myself without even thinking that any of my other friends or any people would bully me. In this part of my life, I get to forget about my bully friends. And well, I guess that’s why I was so in denial that I am being bullied because I didn’t really think about it much and I just move on!