I was watching a video audition of Jillian Jensen for The X Factor USA on youtube just now that I decided to write about bullying because I was just so moved and I was crying when I remembered how I was bullied when I was in high school (here in the philippines before I went to the states). And realizing that up until now that I’m in college that I am being bullied. I was first in denial because these bullies are my friends.

Yes, my friends sometimes bully me, I know they joke a lot and pick on me but sometimes it ain’t funny anymore and they don’t know that I am truly hurting. I cried one time when they hid my phone during class, and when I asked them they would even bitch out on me saying “Why will we take your phone, we have our own!” and they would just laugh, but i know to myself that they took it, because i know that only them would do such a thing. At the end of class, they took it back, and from there that I just cried. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t help my tears falling. What I hate the most is being fooled like that. There were a lot of times they fooled me, and not even once did they stop even though they know I hate such a thing. Sometimes I don’t know if they ever thought that what they’re going to do to me would hurt me or that’s it’s just wrong.

Each day it’s hard to pretend that nothing’s wrong. It’s hard to just laugh it all out. It’s hard to just ignore it. Sometimes when they joke about something or talk about someone with other friends of ours, I get worried that it’s me that they’re talking about. I am that frantic! I just don’t want to experience what I have experienced in high school, that I never really glow because I have all these insecurities and pain kept inside. 

The only thing that is keeping my glow up and out is my achievements (that they don’t have)! I know saying that was wrong, but it’s not like I am bullying them which is much worst. My achievements such as being an officer in my org in school, I’m going to be one of the models in my sister’s grad show in UP, and other activities wherein I can be myself without even thinking that any of my other friends or any people would bully me. In this part of my life, I get to forget about my bully friends. And well, I guess that’s why I was so in denial that I am being bullied because I didn’t really think about it much and I just move on! 

Every time my mom and I will get into a fight, I wouldn’t really listen to what she would say. I would turn her voice down in my head and listen to my own thoughts My thoughts of suicide!

I will be sitting next to her, crying. Not because of the things she would tell me, or about me, of what kind of child I am to her, but because of the suicidal thoughts running through my head! I could imagine every scene in different kinds of suicides. And when I’m dead, I would think to myself, “Would my friends in the States would fly all the way here just to see me laying down on a pink coffin on my funeral?” Something like that. I have also pictured that all my ex-boyfriends would be going, and my mom would be so shock because she doesn’t know all of them!

When I kill myself, I imagine my mom blaming herself for my death. And that makes me cry even more, even though it makes me even happier to know she suffers.

My favorite kind of suicidal that I love to imagine me being in it the most, is when I slit my wrist in a bath tub of water naked or with clothes on and the blood overflowing through the white tiles of the bathroom. But I can’t do that here because we only have the showers and our tiles are green, so it’s useless because it lessens the dramatic effect that I always imagine.

I thought of these horrible thoughts because I feel like if I die then my family’s life would be so much better without me, without the troublesome me, and without me with the highest tuition fee from us three kids of my mom! And especially for my mom because she wouldn’t have to worry about me getting a boyfriend whom she disagrees of again, or for sure get pregnant!

So someday! If I can’t control myself any longer! I have to kill a bitch! And that’s me! So I guess Imma have to kill me!

Bleh! Just kidding! I guess I just gotta live with it, with everything and everybody else! And have to listen to my mom’s BLAH BLAH BLAH moments! Or just think of unicorns and rainbows, instead a razor blades and bloods! >:)))

Like ride a motorcycle? Hmm yeah! Done that today :)

(Source: such-a-colorfulday)

So here’s the story of King and Anna! Just wanna try how good my story telling skills are :) Enjoy!

Last night was one of the far most sweetest moment that Anna have ever had! Until now she remembers every detail of it.

When her gal friends left yesterday at 430pm from their favorite castle to hangout, King and his friends came. Also the soiree immature kids have gone home. It was only King and Anna that was left behind in that room, the chilly room with the DJ booth and that giant beer “Negra” bottle-shaped plastic made statue. Anna transferred her stuff to the table where King placed his. King asked Anna what kind of drink she wanted, but Anna refused to decide and so King ordered a bucket of Red Horse to which he knows that Anna likes. He also bought Anna a half pack of Malboro Blacks since that’s the brand she only smokes, while he hit on Malboro Reds. To Anna those little things that King did was for her was already the sweetest thing, and on that moment she felt like a princess and King was her prince. He indeed treated her like one.

After an hour of talking, sweet kisses, and planning of going to King’s mother’s castle, they left Anna’s unfinished second drink from the bucket of 6 bottles and left King’s friends and left the castle. King and Anna got a limo and went to the castle they planned to go. When they reached their destination, they walked a little bit to get in the big gates. Anna was a bit shocked when she saw the castle, it wasn’t what she expected knowing King was a big-time guy. But realizing the sweet things that King have done for Anna, she didn’t really care for his riches and his fame, all she care about was just simply King.

King’s mother wasn’t home so they let themselves in. And in the room of King they stayed. Anna was planning to go home because she thought her mother would be very furious if she haven’t gone home yet. When King said, “I would be training to work soon, and I would be very busy. And I might get a girlfriend.”. Anna said, “Then don’t get a girlfriend and just be mine!” King said, “Then give me this time to be with you!” And so Anna let go of herself to King. But they didn’t make love because Anna wasn’t ready to give it all away.

After laying there in the soft bed, Anna and King both fell asleep, even though after a few minutes Anna would wake up to check her phone if her mother was calling, looking for her. Her head on his armpit and his arm wrapped around hers. Her hand held hands with his. Her other hand on his chest. That was the best way to sleep with that special someone.

At 7pm she woke up and realize that her mother might be worried about her so she got up and got King to get up too. King went to his mother’s room to check if she’s there, and she was. Anna greeted her and the mother interviewed her a little before they were finally off.

King and Anna got to a limo again, and off they went to Anna’s castle. After dropping her off, King gave Anna that finally kiss and went off to his real castle. Saying goodbye to King was kind of hard for Anna, she felt like she has been attached to that fellow. And knowing that she doesn’t know when she would see that bald-hair-cut guy with tattoos on his knuckles again, she felt that she might not move on for awhile. 

“My head on his armpit and his arm wrapped around me. My hand held hands with his. My other hand on his chest. #thebestwaytosleep”

So today is Valentines Day. And oh my! There were so many girls at school carrying bouquet of flowers, giant teddy bears, box of goodies, and heart shaped balloons. And I wonder, and hoped, where’s mine? But I told myself don’t expect anything, besides Miriam is an all girls school, who would want you? I told myself. Yes, I do have some crushes here and there but I bet they already are taken. All the good ones and cute ones seem taken! Darn it for that!

When my friends and I left school, we went to moon leaf (a tea place). I waited there until 6pm. (So I was there at 4:30, so that means I was waiting for about 2 hours)! I waited and waited and waited. My friends already left and I was still there, all alone, waiting for Raf to come and pick me up.

Raf is a new friend of mine. I met him just last month and I thought we were hitting it off. First because of what happened on Friday and on Monday (Yesterday).

What happened on Friday was he asked me to go have lunch with him near my place, so he went to pick me up (but with a friend) and we went to eat at Grill Queen. He said jokingly that it was special since it was his first time to eat there and because I was with him. I took it as a compliment (and had kilig moments). After that he offered to drop me off to the party I was gonna go to, but I told him it was too early so he told me to come with him to his school instead and hangout there for a bit until his class finishes. So I went with him and Kerby (his tag-along friend) to Ateneo. I met new friends, his friends. He toured me around the building where Yfc-Ateneo’s org room was, and then we went to the roof top (I thought it was kind of romantic). And after that we went back to the room, and while he went to class he left his laptop for me to watch, before he went to his class he first watch a few minutes of the movie with me. The movie was “One More Chance”. Then he went off. At 4:30 he came back, and so he drove me to my party which was kind of far. When he dropped me off he asked me if I wanted him to pick me up, and not sure I told him I will just text him. I did text him to pick me up and he did around 11pm. He also kindly drop my friends off, first in Marikina, and the other one in Tandang Sora and me the last one in Maginhawa. I was a little bit drunk and so when I said goodbye to him, I think I kissed him on the cheek. Idk. Oh well!

What happened on Monday was he asked me to have lunch with him again. And he picked me up, and walked with me to the friendship bridge of the Ateneo and Miriam. And we ate at a caf there at Ateneo. He asked me how many bfs I had, and when I told him my number he was really shocked. And I explained that it was like this and like that in the States that’s why I had too many. I also asked him how many gfs he had, and when he said none I was really embarrassed of my number.After that, he walked me back to my school and left.

That’s why today, I was expecting of something from him, a dinner this time? Flowers? Chocolates? Cards? Love notes? Teddy Bear? Something sweet. Something that would make me faint, because it was too sweet to bear. But Nothing. I just waited for him for nothing. Because I expected too much.

When it was 6:30 exactly 2 hours of waiting for him, I left and started walking back home. Then he called, and told me he couldn’t make it because of this and that. And if I still wanted to come, but I was too upset I said NO! And he was sorry. And so was I. I was sorry because I have to waste my time on things I shouldn’t bother.

As I told my friend a while ago, Imma take things slow and maybe there are other guys out there who would make me happier and wouldn’t make me wait ever. Because really that’s the number one thing I hate the most -I FUCKING HATE WAITING! So to the next guy, here’s a tip, never make me wait, alright? :)

Of course not, who would want that? And who is this? :)

WOAH! Now I see, Vanilla and Chocolate does look good together:) As you can see in the picture :)))

I must be really excited and surprised that time standing next to Rufa Mae Quinto, because come on!, Look at my face ! HAHA XD

Happy Birthday to TANYA TAYAG! It was a fun night! Yeah my other friends weren’t there, but thanks to those who made it and made an effort to be there. Shows who your true friends are, Will be there no matter how strong the storm is :)

BITCH PLEASE profile picture @ facebook :)))